i carry your heart

startloving @ 2008-02-26T21:28:00

2008-02-27T02:28:18Z

i am not doing too well, as of late.

startloving @ 2008-02-21T20:27:00

2008-02-22T01:27:54Z

i think i told ryan to leave me alone.
i don't know if this was a mistake or not.

startloving @ 2008-02-14T04:35:00

2008-02-14T11:35:54Z

it's valentines day, and i'm happy (:

startloving @ 2008-02-02T22:10:00

2008-02-03T03:10:28Z

sometimes i wish i didn't know what was going on.

startloving @ 2008-01-29T01:02:00

2008-01-29T23:02:25Z

it's weird how people start callng you babe after you tell them you'll have sex with them.

tonight:

2008-01-26T03:10:18Z

chris fell through the ice into the pond

startloving @ 2008-01-21T18:52:00

2008-01-21T23:53:32Z

saturday we headed up to morgan's house. i went to a hardcore show with her & her friends ben and harry, and then we met up with some of her other friends in poughkeepsie. sweet kids (:
sundayy, we went skiing but i couldn't breathe like at all because of the bronchitus. literally we were on the lift and i was practically suffocating. so we left early, and then me and morgan spent eight hours on the couch watching all the bring it on movies and then i basically collapsed.
& todayyy we left ): i was so sad, i honestly love my family so so much and i wish i got to see them more often.

bronchitus sucks, i cough more than i breathe.

skiing again today.

2008-01-14T02:12:35Z

sore again today.

i need to get out of here

2008-01-13T02:03:26Z

out of new jersey.

startloving @ 2008-01-07T04:14:00

2008-01-07T11:14:30Z

when my head falls on your pillow please don't remind me that it has to be the last time

startloving @ 2008-01-05T21:46:00

2008-01-06T02:47:48Z

i had to wake up at four in the morning today to be at the rec place at 5:45 because the buses for skiing left at six.
i had so much fun (: i love skiing. although i'm totally beat now, and am in pain. my head won't stop poundinggg.

goodnight

whoever you care about now & wherever they are:

2008-01-02T02:25:14Z

happy new year.

the closer i get to you, the farther i feel from me

2007-12-31T01:04:41Z

go outside please and tell me if the wind is still blowing. check the trees from the porch. (no. closer.) from an ocean away; let's hope we never meet at all. it's been so long since i've seen you. or a blue sky. i will stutter, i will try to tell you: i don't believe in very much except for the pictures you send me, envelope-sealed. i wonder if the birds will stay longer in your branches. go outside please and tell me when winter ends.

startloving @ 2007-12-30T00:34:00

2007-12-30T05:34:53Z

i'm crying and i don't know why. i think i am getting sick either figuratively or literally. i just want to go home and it doesn't feel like home here anymore.

startloving @ 2007-12-27T01:26:00

2007-12-27T22:34:07Z

statues aren't supossed to cry. although somehow, this one was; tearless, broken sobs.
his face felt real and for once i saw him quiet. packing up all his clothes to go places he would never go with me.
and whispered: "don't blame me. you're the one who put your hope in someone elses' hands."
i look down at the floor, my shoes, the rug's curlicues.
his face looked darker now.

startloving @ 2007-12-25T23:34:00

2007-12-26T04:36:15Z

shitty christmas. my dad was high. at first he just looked scary. scary and dusty. i don't like being around him. he kept looking at me, and touching me. there was a lot of screaming (at me) and crying (me) and people (me and john) isolating themselves. i don't know why it affects me/us more than other people, i was literally starting to feel sick to my stomach, i couldn't stand sitting in that house any longer.
i love christmas, i do, but i hated today.

startloving @ 2007-12-20T01:51:00

2007-12-21T01:55:45Z

every person has at least one secret that would break your heart.

startloving @ 2007-12-19T05:33:00

2007-12-19T11:34:43Z

my mom: "if this doesn't stop, i'm leaving"

if WHAT doesn't stop? i get good grades. i have friends. i am nice to her.
i didn't say anything though.

startloving @ 2007-12-17T04:30:00

2007-12-17T11:10:07Z

lovinn that i can't sleep. the generator across the street has been exploding periodically since about 10. there's fire and sparks and smoke and i am kind of anxious. andd the power's out.

went to katie's this weekend (: it was so much funn i love her.
i'm so glad that this week is the last one before break. christmas is soooonnn!

i am so worried about annie. i wish there was something i could do for her, i really do. i feel so helpless, i really just want her to be okay.

startloving @ 2007-12-13T17:51:00

2007-12-13T22:51:45Z

it doesn't snow here anymore ):

dreamers, grab your acoustics

2007-12-13T00:02:18Z

today felt so busyy. i have to wake up wayy too early, i feel like i am falling all over the place. went straight from school to cookiebaking club, safari club, hope, and science league, to home for a nap to the phone with chris (christmas shopping, reallyyy? i'm getting him an abercrombie giftcard because i'm obviously really uncreative) to the gym. my legs hurt so bad because in third period today, kyle was playing some game where the floor is ~*lava*~ and you have to keep your legs up. so i had my feet in the air for 40 minutes and now it hurts my thighs to walk ): i do weird things when i'm bored.

this weekend should be funnn! i'm going to seee katieee (: & hanging out with her friends, haha. and friday night is chris's birthday thing. i can't wait for this week to be over, to be honest, and it feels like the longest one yet.

startloving @ 2007-12-10T17:41:00

2007-12-10T22:47:12Z

ohkay so this weekend sucked, honestly.
i went christmas shopping saturday, which was like. whatever. it would have been okay save for my mom, on the way to the mall, screaming at me in the car. "DLKFJLSAKDF YOU'RE SELFISH WE'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING FOR YOU".
i was like "hey no kidding we're shopping for other people, chillll"
whateverwhateverwhatever. i got katie a cute shirt, celia season two of the office, a few other things for a few other people. i'm brokeee now ): i need a job.
anyway then saturday night it's like 8pm and my neighbor comes over here with her four kids and three dogs. she's standing outside like "oh hey we just wanted to drop by to say hi, we miss you!" and i was like "aw hi.. alright nice seeing you bye" becuase i really didn't feel like dealing with them tbh.
so then she guilt-trips me, she's like "oh please let us in its so cold out" so they ended up staying for a whileee.
paul is one fucking weirdo. the way he looks at me is so scary.

i don't even remember much of what i did sunday, i had plans but they didn't work out blahblah. i babysat kurt & carrick during the day, they are such great kids.

ps, i love annieee, really i do (:

startloving @ 2007-12-08T01:58:00

2007-12-09T02:28:24Z

come for the week, you can sleep in my bed.
and unwrap me like a birthday present.
i will be easy, i will be easy for you.

i need to stop describing hair.

2007-12-06T20:59:35Z

sleeping alone, he gingerly lifts the scissors from his night-table, fingering the dull blades with his fingertips. he pays attention to the hair, not his fingers, not his head, when cutting, and it takes a few tries to pull the scissors across his hair. he watches it fall to the floor and curl against his toes on the floor, white-blonde curlicues too soft against the dark mahogany floor. he closes his eyes for a moment, still seeing the red of the lamp through his eyelids, and again re-opened them. the way someone might open and close thier heart to some someone; and although often the wrong someone, quite often the right someone, gets through.

startloving @ 2007-12-05T18:34:00

2007-12-05T23:36:21Z

can't i have just one day where i don't get hurt? where no one screams at me?
i don't know if it's too much or not enough. i just want something different.